


Not Afraid of Heights

by MothMansPants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, All of the Houses get along except for Gryffindor and Slytherin, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Albus Dumbledore, Bullying, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Concussions, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Severitus, Fluff, Food Issues, Good Severus Snape, Good Slytherins, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Rivalry, Gryffindor/Slytherin Inter-House Relationships, Head Injury, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Medical Inaccuracies, Mentor Severus Snape, Mind Healers (Harry Potter), Multi, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Purging, Quidditch, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Severitus | Severus Snape is Harry Potter's Parent, Severus Snape Adopts Harry Potter, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Trauma, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:40:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28168617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MothMansPants/pseuds/MothMansPants
Summary: In his 5th year, Harry Potter is slowly unraveling from pressure. He is plagued with dark thoughts and a determination to hide his pain. Will his guardian, friends, and new boyfriends be able to pull him back?
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Theodore Nott, Draco Malfoy/Theodore Nott/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas, Theodore Nott/Harry Potter
Comments: 27
Kudos: 211





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings apply to the whole fic: Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt, self harm and self-harming thoughts, dissociation, discussions of past child abuse, eating disorder behaviors and thoughts, anxiety and anxiety attacks. Please read the tags for more details and stay safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are Harry's thoughts and the students are wearing casual clothing instead of the school robes.

Harry walked down a dark corridor, his footsteps softened by a white carpet. He turned a corner and saw the hallway drop into darkness. Even as the air was sucked from his lungs, he was compelled to keep walking forward. His body unwillingly turned invisible corners as though still following the carpet of the hallway.

A horrible scream rips through the silence and Harry begins running. Towards or away from the sound he does not know. But then he is falling. As he falls deeper the screams fade out. Harry mused that it would be almost peaceful, floating in the silent darkness, if this weren’t a nightmare.

The whispers started.  _ Worthless. Pathetic. Weak. Murderer. _ There was a light.  _ Why are you here? You don’t belong here. _ The waking world called him.  _ Your parents would be so disappointed in you. _

Harry sat straight up in bed, his hands clenched the sheets and his elbows locked as tears streamed down his face. His breaths came heavy and short. His heart pounded against his rib cage. He couldn’t breathe.

“Make it stop, make it stop. Please, please stop.” He whispered to himself, he began hitting the bottom of his palms against his forehead.

Harry reached over and grabbed his wand and a little box from his bedside drawer. He quickly cast a silencing charm on himself, even though he already had one on his four-poster, and drew the curtains fully shut. His breathing increased as he undid the locking charm on the box before pulling out one of the razors inside.

He was not proud of this. Not proud of the silencing spells he had to cast around his bed to keep his friends from waking up. Not proud of assuring them that his nightmares had stopped, of lying to them. He was not proud of taking a blade to his body just to stave off panic and anxiety attacks. Not proud that he told everyone lies about his feelings, hiding his under-eye circles and cuts under glamours.

But when he made that first slash across the top of his thigh he could breathe a little easier, and by the time Harry had added ten more cuts to his collection he was wiping the tears from his face. No, he wasn’t proud of it, but it did make him feel better. 

He stashed the blade back in its box and renewed the charms to keep it locked and hidden. Then cast a cleaning spell on his thighs.

Harry sighed, “another one of those days then.” 

_ The Chosen One. _ His mind sneered. _ Taking a blade to his own body out of weakness. Pathetic. What would the media say? What would your friends say? Oh! What would your guardian say, were he to find out? After all he has done for you, taking you under his wing and mentoring you. Promising to never let you go back to that household. Even though you deserve it, you deserve to be beaten. Oh, he would be so disappointed in you. Or maybe, he wouldn't even care. That would be worse, wouldn't it? _

Harry stretched as his mind prattled on. Only flinching at the mention of Sev. What would he say? He quietly got up and out of bed, grimacing at the faint light shining through the cracked curtains. He cast a Tempus, four-thirty. 

Making his way to the bathroom he carefully avoided the stuff left by the other boys on the floor. He froze when Seamus rolled over in his sleep and quickly slipped around the corner to the bathroom after he had eased moving. He cast a quick silencing charm before shutting the door and slumping back against it. The wood creaked and he jumped away.

Harry went about his morning routine: relieving himself, showering, finger combing his curls into something semi-normal, and washing his face. He stared at his cracked lips and blood-shot eyes with dark hollows under them before resignedly casting a glamour over his face.

He didn’t feel like putting on his invisibility cloak. It wasn’t really necessary, curfew would have ended a few minutes ago anyway. Some of the teachers that taught later classes or preferred an early morning without children would be up at this time, but Harry found that they were easy enough to avoid.

So he walked through the halls and breathed in the fresh early morning air of Hogwarts. He eventually found himself slumped against a wall near the dungeons and allowed himself to slide down, closing his eyes and relishing the quiet.

Harry only heard the footsteps when they were right beside him and he flinched heavily at the firm hand that grasped his shoulder. His eyes flew open to see Severus crouched down in front of him. At the realization, he forced his body to stop tensing and gave the man a small smile.

The man frowned at him, his eyes piercing, “Harry. Why are you awake?”

Harry avoided his gaze and stood up, the professor following his actions. The boy tried to grasp for an answer, but nothing came to him.  _ Oh, so now you are quiet. _ He thought viciously, the ghost of a chuckle following his words.

“Harry?”

_ He knows something is wrong, he is going to figure it out. _

“I was just thinking.”

_ Great job. _ The voice dripped with sarcasm. Harry was nauseous.

Severus crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him. “Go on,” he drawled.

“About a new charm Professor Flitwick is having us learn. Nothing too hard, although it is rather interesting.” Harry resisted the urge to scratch at his arm and make his scars bleed, his guardian was too observant to do such reckless things around.

The man looked him up and down. Harry ignored his head telling him that Severus was judging him and that he thought Harry was worthless.

“Right, a new charm. No nightmares then?”

Harry shook his head no, “not for a while now, professor.”  
He did not look convinced, but it was hard to tell with him. “Go back to bed, maybe you can catch an hour of sleep before breakfast.”

Harry nodded and turned to walk away, marveling at the luck he had received in the face of such an unlucky situation. Severus grabbed his arm before he could walk away. The boy lightly flinched as fingers brushed one of his largest cuts he had made just yesterday.

His guardian leaned down and embraced him in a quick hug, Harry relaxed into the hold. Severus pulled back to smile lightly at him, then he ruffled his hair and walked the opposite way down the hallway. He turned to call out, “don’t be late for potions today or you will be getting detention.” And then he was gone.

“Yes sir,” Harry whispered to himself.

Harry let his shoulders hunch in and his expression drop.  _ Well, that was a close one. _ His head said maliciously.

He groaned and started walking back the way he had come.  _ Just thinking huh? Not even your mind is your own to think in. _ He dragged a hand down his face.  _ Just shut up already. _

Suddenly he was back in his nightmare, falling backwards into darkness. The screams of his mother surrounding him, not fading out this time, but instead growing louder in volume. He clutched his hands to his ears, he was in so much pain.

He rolled slightly and blinked his eyes open to see the staircase he had just fallen from towering over him imposingly. He blearily realized that in the midst of being caught in his nightmare again he had failed to try and break his fall. His back was twisted, and as he righted himself it twinged angrily in protest. He had also clearly hit his head on the stone tile in the fall, but as he pulled his hand away from his scalp it was clean of blood. He let out a small breath of relief.

The voice was quiet for now, but he could tell it was satisfied with the role it had played in distracting him from the steps of the staircase. Ignoring the pain in his back, he continued going back to the dorm. Although much slower and much more cautiously than before. He cast another Tempus before he reached the portrait hole to see that it was only four-fifty.

“I suppose I can do some of my transfiguration homework for next week,” he murmured to himself distractedly. 

He said the password and stepped inside the dorm. He cast a strong notice-me-not and silencing charm on himself as soon as the portrait was closed behind him. Harry sat on his bed in the far corner with his homework and was able to work through all of it before six. He laid down in bed to wait for the early risers.

When he started this routine he had tried to claim that was just starting to wake up earlier, but it wasn’t convincing when his nightmares had just started disappearing. So he would wait for Ron to wake up, and get up then. It had worked so far.

Sure enough, Dean and a few of the other boys were up and taking turns in the bathroom within minutes of Harry laying down. He listened with an amusing smile hidden in his pillow at some of their conversations.

Dean quietly whispered, “Seamus, you gotta’ get up. You still have to do your charms homework for today.”

Which was followed by an indignant squawk as Dean was presumably pulled into Seamus’s bed and pinned under the half-asleep boy’s body. As per usual.

Fred and George were being unnaturally quiet and when Harry cracked an eye open he saw them both leaning ominously over Lee Jordan’s bed. A few minutes later there was a loud yelp, and Lee’s hair was a bright fuchsia with purple glitter throughout.

Ron groaned, “shut up you lot, some of us are trying to sleep over here.”

Harry sat up and yawned wide.

“Mornin’ Harry,” George said as he was pinned to the floor by Lee’s knee. “Oh, kinky.”

“Good morning,” Harry snickered. He grabbed a pair of pants and an over-sized sweater from his trunk and went to change in the bathroom.

His back protested as he slowly moved around and got dressed in his outfit. He checked the glamour on his face before stepping out to the dorm just in time to see a pillow sail across the room from Ron’s bed and landing square in Fred’s face.

He laughed as he passed Ron’s bed to see him with his remaining pillow over his head and tapped the other boy’s back with two fingers, “come on Ron, get up.”

Ron groaned, and he moved the pillow just enough to look up and see Harry’s wide smile. “Ten minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll be in the common room with Hermione.”  
Getting no response, Harry was pretty sure he had fallen back asleep.

“Good morning Neville,” Harry said as the boy stretched before turning to him with a smile. “Can you make sure Ron wakes up soon, please?”

Neville snickered, “sure, see you at breakfast.”

Harry slowly made his way down the stairs and into the common room. He waved to Angelina Jhonson and Alicia Spinnet who were curled in the corner doing homework, then he sat in the corner of the couch by the fireplace.

“Hello, Harry!”

He jumped, tilting his head back to see Hermione coming towards him.

“Good morning, Ron’s still asleep.”

Hermione scrunched up her nose as she got settled on the couch, “still? It’s seven-thirty.”

“I told Neville to wake him up for me,” Harry said.

She nodded her head and opened up the book she had brought down from her dorm. “How was your night then?”

Harry rolled his eyes. They were still suspicious he was casting silencing charms around his bed and lying to them about his nightmares. Which, of course, he was. But they didn’t need to know that.

“It was good.” He ignored the side-eye she gave him and stared at the crackling flames. They fell into silence, save for the occasional whisper from the two girls in the corner and the sounds of Hermione turning the pages of her book. Harry fiddled with the sleeves of his green and white sweater.

After about twenty minutes Ron walked up to them, his hair still in disarray and still in his pajama pants. Harry snorted.

“Shut up,” he said.

Hermione looked up at him, unimpressed. “Ronald, honestly. Fix your hair.”

He rolled his eyes, “Okay,  _ Mom _ . Can we go to breakfast?”

Harry nodded and they went down towards The Great Hall. Ron and Hermione bickered like an old married couple, but Harry was too anxious to join in on the conversation. His stomach churned at the thought of eating, thinking of the conversation he had with his guardian just two days ago.

-*-*-*-

He had just finished packing up his books from potions class when Severus came up to him.

“Mr. Potter, stay after class so I may have a word with you.”

He heard Draco snicker somewhere off towards his left but ignored it, “yes, professor.”

He slowly walked up towards Snape’s desk as the last of the children left and the door shut. Harry watched as he put up a silencing charm before sitting at the desk and gesturing for Harry to do the same.

“Have you been feeling unwell?”

Harry was confused.  _ Why was he asking this? _ “No, I’ve been feeling perfectly fine sir.”

Severus tilted his head slightly, “why haven’t you been eating?”

He froze,  _ shit _ . “I don’t know what you mean,” he almost whispered.

The man narrowed his eyes and stood up, “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”

_ No, I didn’t. Why do you care? No one ever cares. _ Harry blinked and stared down at the fidgeting hands in his lap. When he didn’t answer, Severus sighed and came around to his side of the desk.

“I will be watching you at mealtimes, I am expecting you to start eating a proper amount. If you do not start eating properly we will be going to Madame Pomfrey and you will tell me what is wrong.”

_ I’m not going to be able to do that. _

“Yes, sir.”

-*-*-*-

“Harry?”

He jerked his head up where to look at Ron, only now noticing that they had made it to The Great Hall. 

Ron looked at him worriedly, “everything alright?”

“Yeah, just zoned out a bit I guess.” Harry looked up to the teacher’s table and saw Severus staring him down, gesturing to his own plate when Harry looked at him. He quickly looked away as his cheeks colored.

_ Sure, eat something. Good luck keeping it down.  _ Harry flinched, grabbing a slice of toast and some strawberries. Hermione and Ron shot each other a look that said “are you gonna’ mention it or should I?”

Hermione cleared her throat, “is that all you are going to eat Harry?”

Lavender Brown frowned over at Harry’s scarce plate from her seat beside Hermione.

_ Oh, great. Now everyone thinks you're stupid. _ “I promised Dean I would try something he cooked later.”

“Okay, but you really do need to start eating more. You’re too skinny.”

Harry gave an exaggerated eye roll. From the edge of his vision, he saw his guardian glancing over at him disapprovingly and made a mental note to avoid looking to the front of The Great Hall for the rest of breakfast.

“No, Seamus. Stop it!” Dean, who had a Seamus stuck to his side and peppering kisses all over the side of his face, came and sat down near his group.  _ You could never have that. _

Harry looked down at his toast with a bite taken out of it and speared a strawberry with his fork. He nearly dropped the object as the sleeve of his large sweater fell further down his wrist, exposing two deep cuts and multiple scars of varying ages. Instead, he slowly put his fork down and jerked his hand under the table to fix his sleeve. He breathed out a sigh of relief when nobody seemed to have seen them.  _ Idiot. You were supposed to put glamours up before you left the dorm room. _

He contemplated trying to cast the glamour here and risk someone seeing or just leaving like he had wanted to since he arrived.  _ Well if you are going to leave you need to have a reason. _

Harry stood up quickly and said, “I’ll catch up with you guys later. I forgot to do my charms homework.”

This earned him a strange look from Ron and an, “honestly, Harry,” from Hermione. He didn’t dare look up at his guardian as he left, but he could feel eyes follow him out.

_ I know, I’m sorry I’m a useless liar. _

Although, he wasn’t technically lying. He did have charms homework. Charms homework that was already halfway finished and wasn’t due till next week. He was able to get through a good chunk of the essay portion and put glamours on his arms before Ron came to get him for his first class.

“Hey, Harry,” Ron said as he walked in. “Did you get the homework finished? We have Flitwick’s class first.”

Harry quickly put away his work and began packing his bag for class, “yeah, all done. I hope you aren’t planning on going to class in your pajamas.”

Ron scoffed at him. He changed into ripped blue jeans and a Gryffindor sweater. Harry didn’t miss the worried glances he was sending him and was sure Hermione would be doing the same.

They went down to the common room and headed off to class, Angelina told them Hermione had to run to the library to drop off a book so they walked to class in silence. Harry’s mind whispered to him of failure and worthlessness.

“Are you hungry mate?” Ron asked suddenly.

Harry shook his head, “No, I ate enough.”

_ Ate too much. _ He shook his head again and hissed through his teeth as his back protested the action. The other boy looked over at him with a worried gaze and before he could respond Harry said, “really Ron, I’m fine. Come on, we gotta’ get to class.”

He looked like he wanted to say something else, but Harry sped up and Ron chose not to mention it anymore.  _ He doesn’t really care, nobody cares. _

They stepped into Flitwick’s class just in time. When they sat down near Hermione she was about to say something to Harry, but the class started. Harry knew that she would not be forgetting those words she wanted to say and he sighed into his hands.  _ Today is already too long. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first fic. I have posted. I haven't read Harry Potter in 3-4 years so I tried to make this as accurate as possible, please inform me of any inaccuracies. I hope you enjoyed and please leave a kudos and/or comment if you want to see more!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry's thoughts are in italics for all of this except for at the end where it switches to Snape's POV. The italics in that section are Snape's thoughts. In this timeline Umbridge did not ban the quidditch teams nor any of the players on them.
> 
> (Also, I did change my username it is now MothMansPants-for anyone wondering)

Draco looked around when he entered the common room, spotting Theo curled up on the couch reading a book. He walked up to him and gently grabbed the book out of his hands. Theodore watched him amusedly as the boy settled on his lap before grabbing his book back.

“Good morning,” Draco whispered.

Theo nuzzled his nose into the boy’s hair, smelling the mint shampoo, “you smell nice.”

Draco tilted his head back, “you make me sick.”

The other boy chuckled and nipped Draco’s ear. He went back to reading his book: The Complete Compendium of Paralysis Magic. Draco turned to stare at the fire, playing with the hem of Theo’s shirt. 

He jumped slightly at the sharp snap of his partner’s book closing and turned to glare at him. Theo ignored it and leaned forward to place his book on the table, wrapping his arms around Draco.

“We need to talk about it,” he said softly.

Draco fidgeted with his feet, “talk about what?”

Theodore scoffed, “Harry. Don’t feign ignorance.”

“What about Golden Boy?”

Narrowing his eyes, Theo maneuvered Draco so he was laying on his back stretched across the couch. Theo looked down at him as the boy smirked.

“In the common room, Theo? I thought the man I was dating had more decency.”

“Shut up Draco.”

The boy’s smirk fell, “why do we have to talk about it? Can’t we just ignore it?”

“No, we both like him. You need to put your pride aside so we can ask him out.”

Draco tried to hide his face in a pillow and Theo gently pried it from his fingers. He pressed a kiss to his forehead, “that’s what you want right? Both of us and him.”

“Yes…” he said.

Theodore nuzzled his temple and intertwined their fingers, “so can we ask him within the next month?”

“Yes,” Draco said with more conviction. He chewed his lip, “I hope he says yes.”

Leaning in for a kiss, Theo said, “me too.”

Draco moaned into the kiss. He let Theo grab his hands and raise them above his head.

“Wooh, get it!” Pansy whistled as she walked into the common room.

Draco groaned and Theo chuckled as he climbed off him.

“Good morning Pansy,” Theo said charmingly.

Pansy walked over to the couch and kissed his cheek, “Theo, darling. Good morning.”  
She flicked Draco’s head as she walked past to sit in the armchair, “do at least try to be halfway decent Draco. No one wants to see that.”

Draco rolled his eyes. He sat up and leaned into Theo’s side, “I can think of a few people. Good morning Pansy.”

“And to you, Draco,” Pansy said. “Breakfast has already started, are we waiting for Blaise? Daphne is in the library, she will join us a little later.”

“Oh alright then,” Theo said as he stood up. “Here comes Blaise now.”

Blaise walked up and nudged Theo with his shoulder, “getting it on then, Theo? Good for you mate.”

Draco kicked his shin in reprimand before standing up. The whole group chuckled at Blaise’s indignant, “Hey!”, before heading down to The Great Hall.

They sat down and Draco chanced a look over at the Gryffindor table, turning back disappointed.

“Looking for Potter?” Pansy asked mischievously.

Draco said, “no, shut up,” at the same time Theo said, “yes, he is.”

The blonde looked over at his boyfriend, betrayed. Theodore snickered and cut into his cinnamon waffles.

Draco kept sneaking glances over at the Gryffindor table throughout their meal. Theo rubbed gentle circles on his thigh in an attempt to calm him.

After about twenty minutes of them sitting at their table, Harry finally walked in with Granger and Weasley following close behind. Draco perked up and gently tugged on his boyfriend’s sleeve. Theo glanced over and, hiding his smile in his boyfriend’s shoulder, they watched Harry sit down near a few of the other fifth years.

“Only you two would stare so blatantly at your crush,” Pansy said.

Draco whipped around, but before he could say anything one Daphne Greengrass wrapped her arms around Pansy from behind, “and yet, I was the one that always caught you staring at me.”

He snickered at Pansy’s red face. Daphne sat down next to her and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder before leaning over to kiss Pansy’s cheek, “you are cute when you blush.”

“Looks like Potter’s in trouble,” Blaise said and gestured to the head table where Professor Snape was glaring in the direction of the Gryffindor table.

Draco rolled his eyes, “he’s always in trouble.”

“Wow Draco, you know him so well,” Pansy said mockingly.

The boy stuck out his tongue and went back to his meal, still sneaking looks over to the Gryffindor table. He couldn’t help but notice the small amount of food on the boy’s plate and it seemed his boyfriend had as well.

“He’s hasn’t been eating much lately,” Theo whispered in Draco’s ear.

Draco nodded as he swallowed a bite of his own food. He sneered, “it’s just like Potter to not take care of himself. Idiot.”

They both watched as Harry stabbed one of the few strawberries on his plate. They both watched him bring it up to his mouth and they both watched as the sleeve of his sweater (Honestly Potter, an oversized sweater? In Slytherin colors? Adorable.) slipped up. They both saw three uniform red cuts that rested on his wrist.

-*-*-*-

Harry walked slightly ahead of Ron and Hermione on their way back to the dorm rooms to drop their stuff off before lunch. He had managed to avoid a conversation with them through the rests of charms class as well as History of Magic with the Hufflepuffs and was not looking forward to being in the common room with them.

He quickly went up to the boy’s dormitory, Ron following closely behind, and packed his bag for his classes later before stashing it away. Glancing over at the other boy found him occupied with something in his trunk. Neville and Seamus just having come in chatting were not paying attention to him. He went over to his bedside table and took out the small box that hid his blades. He sneaked into the bathroom, the door shutting loudly. The lock clicked.

Harry sighed in relief as he slid his back down the door to sit on the floor. Pulling up the sleeve of his sweater and taking down his glamours revealed many cuts and scars of varying ages. He grimaced as the blade sliced into his skin.  _ Punishment. Maybe this will remind you to put up your glamours next time. _

Four more cuts, several more drops of blood on the floor.  _ Failure. Couldn’t even hide that you’re not eating. Useless.  _ He rubbed his finger across the cuts, smearing red.  _ Stupid, couldn’t even think of a good excuse.  _ A tear dripped onto his arm.  _ You’ll never be good enough, Chosen One. _

A sob ripped its way out of his chest before he could stop it. He slapped a hand over his face and moved away from the door.  _ Forgot to cast a silencing charm, then again they would have been suspicious were it too quiet. _

He sliced another cut into his forearm right before there was a knock on the door.  _ Look what you’ve done. _

“Harry, is everything okay mate?”

Taking a deep breath he called out, “yeah? Everything is fine. I’ll be out in a minute, just dealing with my hair.”

There was a short pause in which Harry held his breath and listened intently for an Alohomora. Then Ron said, “okay, I’ll wait in the common room with Hermione.”

“Alright,” he said and waited for Ron’s steps to fade out before standing up to wash his arm in the sink. The blood seeped from his arm to the drain and Harry watched idly while his mind mused of his stupidity.

When the blood had mostly stopped Harry wrapped a bandage around his arm and pulled his sleeve down. He washed his face, cast a cleaning charm on the ground, and stepped out into the boy’s dorm.

“Hey, Neville,” He said to the boy sitting on his bed.  
Neville looked up at him in shock, before seeming to settle himself, “Hello Harry. How are you?”

“I’m fine, Neville, thanks. You coming to lunch?” Harry gestured towards the staircase.

“Yeah, I’ll walk with you guys.”

When they walked down the stairs Harry saw Ron and Hermione with their heads close together whispering in what looked to be a heated argument. They looked up at him and Neville surprised as they walked up to them, then shared a glance.

Ron rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, “hey Neville, can you give us a minute?”

“Oh, yeah,” Neville said. “I’ll wait with Lavender.”

Harry fidgeted with his sleeve as his two friends pulled him aside, “what’s up?”

“What’s up?” Hermione snapped, “You haven’t been acting right. For Merlin’s sake Harry, you barely even ate breakfast today. And don’t you dare use that excuse you used earlier, Dean said he’s been too busy to cook anything for days.”

Harry recoiled at her tone and Ron put a hand on her shoulder before speaking, “she’s right mate. You haven’t been eating. It’s starting to get really worrying.”

“It’s none of your business,” Harry said passively, in an attempt to control his breathing. His hand moved over to press against his fresh cuts, the pain soothing his racing heart only slightly.

Hermione was red in her anger, “None of our Business! You are our friend, we know when something is wrong.”

Harry narrowed his eyes. “Just because we are friends it does not make you entitled to know every single thing that is happening in my life.”

“Maybe not but it is Snape’s business,” she spat.

_ He can’t know. You can’t let them tell him. He already knows too much. _

“I dare you,” he began icily. “Fucking tell him, I will never speak with either of you again. I told you he was my guardian in confidence. You have no right to threaten that.”

Harry turned around towards the stairs and began walking.

Ron called out nervously, “where are you going?”

He paused, “I have a headache, I’ll get something to eat before quidditch practice.”

As he stalked up the stairs he heard Hermione whisper, “if there isn’t anything wrong then why would that be a threat.”

He went directly back to his box of blades and the bathroom.

-*-*-*-

Harry religiously avoided everyone until the last minute before he had to get ready for quidditch practice. He stalked out to the field, mindful to keep the other Gryffindors between himself and Ron. He did not eat anything before quidditch practice.

“Harry!” Fred cried out as they entered the locker room, slinging an arm over his shoulder, “maybe we should just take it easy today, yeah?”

He shot a glare towards Ron, who barely had the decency to look guilty, “it’s just practice, Fred.”

He shrugged off his arm and went to get dressed. He got onto the pitch and mounted his broom first. They went through drills and then moved on to work individually or in pairs. Harry was particularly careful to avoid getting too close to the twins or Ron.

Flying higher above the pitch, Harry let his mind wander in his search for the snitch. He had already caught it once before releasing it again, practice couldn’t be too much longer now.

Harry swayed slightly as his head spun, he pressed close to his broom to wait for the wave of dizziness to pass.  _ You should just let yourself fall, everything would be better off without you. _ He flinched, it wasn’t the first time he had thoughts like this but it had been a while. 

It was the first time he hadn’t immediately thought it would be a bad idea. He caught sight of the snitch and the thought was shaken away as he flew off after it.

The practice was long and they were all tired. Harry’s back was sore, even the slightest movement setting off the pain and his stomach protested not having any food in it to throw up.

“Good practice today, we got lucky with the rain until the end there,” Angelina said as she wrung out her hair and put it up.

There were groans of agreement throughout the room and she laughed, slinging an arm around her girlfriend. “Come on, let’s get back to the common room before it starts pouring.”

They trudged up to the castle and cast drying charms on each other upon entering to save themselves the wrath of Filch. Just as they were about to start walking up to the common room, Professor Snape walked up to the group.

Harry froze for a millisecond and then shuffled behind Angelina.  _ They wouldn’t have told him. He just came to complain about us tracking in water or something. _

Snape surveyed the group, hissing out, “Gryffindors.”

“Hello Professor, can we help you with something?” Angelina asked, her back stiff.

Snape said, “Mr. Potter, come with me.”

_ Shit. _ Harry shot Ron, who was decidedly avoiding looking in his direction, a glare. He stepped out behind Angelina and looked at his Guardian. He had a neutral expression on his face.

Severus lead him down to his personal quarters. Harry followed a few steps behind the man and only half entertained the idea of just walking away.

His guardian held the door open as Harry entered before locking it behind them. The man sighed and went to move into the kitchen. He put a hand on Harry’s head as he passed, “go change into something warmer then come to the living room.”

Harry nodded before walking to the room he sometimes stayed in.  _ Not his room, not allowed.  _ He shut the door quickly and listened intently for any signs of Severus following him down the hallway. When he heard nothing, he let his shoulders slump and sighed.

He eyed his bedside cabinet that held one of his hidden blades before shaking his head a little.  _ Would take too long. _ He changed into a red hoodie with little golden snitches in a line down each of the sleeves, one of the many items of clothing Severus had insisted on buying him. This was one of his favorites and he only allowed himself to wear it when he needed some extra comfort. This was one of those times.

Even now his mind whispered.  _ I don’t deserve it. It’s too nice. I only deserve rags and hand-me-downs. I’ll ruin it. _ He slipped on a pair of pants and white fluffy socks before putting his hood up.

He walked into the living room at the same time as Severus was setting some tea down on the table and he gestured for Harry to sit down on the couch. Harry did so and watched carefully as Severus sat in the armchair across from him.

“Harry,” the man started before seeming to settle himself. “You weren’t at lunch today, you barely ate breakfast.”

“I was nauseous,” Harry said as the first thing that came to his mind.

Severus nodded, “too nauseous to eat, but not too nauseous to play

quidditch then?”

“Yes sir,” he said quietly.

“Mmm, but not nauseous enough to go see Madame Pomfrey?”

Harry stayed quiet, unwilling to fall into the man’s trap. He fidgeted with his fingers to keep himself from scratching his scars.

“Harry, I told you what would happen if you didn’t start eating correctly,” he said. “Now, are you going to tell me what is wrong? Or will we be going to Madame Pomfrey’s in the morning for a full examination?”

_ No, no, neither of them.  _ Once again Harry chose silence and Severus sighed before nodding.

“If that’s how it is going to be then. We will be going to Madame Pomfrey in the morning. We will be having dinner in half an hour.”

His hands clenched the fabric of his hoodie. “No,” he whispered.

Severus poured himself a cup of tea, pushing a second cup towards Harry’s side of the table. The boy fought the urge to curl up on the couch and instead looked up to meet the man’s gaze, “no. I don’t need to see Madame Pomfrey. I’m fine.”

His guardian, exasperated, said, “Clearly you are not fine, or you would be able to eat three full meals a day and you wouldn’t be feeling nauseous.”

“Nothing is wrong,” Harry said viciously, standing up. “I’m fine.”

-*-*-*-

Severus surveyed the boy.  _ Too skinny, _ his mind supplied.  _ Why won’t he let me help him? Stubborn Gryffindors, never do know how to take care of themselves. _

He watched Harry hurry off back down the hallway and to his room and he sighed.  _ How difficult will it be to get him out of there for dinner? _

Standing up, and casting a charm to let him know if Harry left his room, Severus called a house-elf to place an order for dinner in thirty minutes. He threw on a cloak and headed down to the infirmary to talk to Madame Pomfrey.

-*-*-*-

Harry stalked down the hall and into his room, locking the door behind him and promptly collapsing onto his bed. He felt a sob creeping up his throat and shoved it down. He pulled out his hidden blade, his hands shaking.

He dropped the blade and curled up into a ball.  _ This can’t be happening. He’s gonna’ make me stop. I can’t stop. Why are they trying to do this to me? Can’t they see how much I deserve it? _ Harry halfheartedly pulled his throw blanket over his head,  _ another thing I don’t deserve. _ He was too tired to cut right now anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys enjoy the Dreo fluff at the beginning there? (Idk if they have a ship name but I'm going with that) I know the blurb for Snape was short but I wanted to show a bit of his POV. I will probably write at least one longer section in his POV in this fic. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Please leave a kudos and/or comment if you would like to see more.
> 
> (EDIT)- It will be a bit longer than I wanted for the third chapter to be published, having some technical difficulties. It will be a long chapter anyway if that makes peace.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are the thoughts of whoever has the POV, in this chapter thoughts are shown for Harry and Snape. Please be aware that the following tags have been added- vomiting and purging.
> 
> Diagnostic Charm- in this fic a diagnostic charm works only by detecting physical conditions such as colds/flus, sprains/broken or dislocated bones, concussions, infections, malnourishment, etc. It cannot detect pain, soreness, or healed cuts on a person but it will alert to open wounds.  
> There is a mental diagnostic charm that is taught to mind healers. It can diagnose mental illnesses only if the mind healer has extensive knowledge and experience with the disorder. Madame Pomfrey is unable to cast this charm.

Severus walked back from informing Poppy that he would be bringing Harry in the morning and discussing his symptoms.  _ If we are lucky it will just be a stomach bug, but then when are we ever lucky? _

He opened the door to their quarters and cast a Tempus when he smelled their dinner in the kitchen.  _ Just in time. _

He listened intently for a moment outside of Harry’s door before knocking, only to be met with silence. He knocked again. Turning the doorknob, he called, “Harry? I’m coming in.”

He got no response and as the door swung open he saw a seemingly empty room.  _ Is he hiding? _ There was a small shift on the bed that drew the man’s eye. It was barely noticeable, but there was a small bump curled under a throw blanket and Severus winced.

Harry had always been small, but a fifteen-year-old boy should not be able to go unnoticed underneath a blanket. Severus walked over to the bed and gently pulled some of the fabric off. Harry’s eyes were closed.  _ Sleeping. _

He ran a finger across the boy’s forehead, over his scar, and underneath his black curls, “Harry. Time for dinner.”

The boy opened his eyes so quickly that for a moment Severus entertained the idea that he wasn’t sleeping at all, but the way his body tensed was so contrasting from the peacefulness of before that it was unlikely.

The boy let out a whisper, “what?”

“I’m sorry to wake you, but it is time for dinner,” Severus said gently. It would never cease to surprise him how soft he was with the children he had grown to care for.

“M’ not hungry,” Harry groaned, turning his face away from Severus and into a pillow.

He continued to card his fingers through the boy’s hair.

“That’s fine. But you are still going to be coming to the table and attempting to eat something,” he said a bit more firmly.

Silence. Severus sighed. He had expected this, it still didn’t make it any less frustrating. He thanked himself for the foresight to tell the house elves to place a warming charm on their food.

Silently he took his wand from the pocket in his robes. He levitated the blanket across the room and folded it to sit on a chair. He tugged the unwilling boy from his bed and out of the room, to the sound of many protests.

As soon as they entered the dining room Harry stilled, seemingly resigned. Severus let out the breath he had been holding, but locked the door behind them anyway. The man did not fancy trying to get hold of the small boy again, he had barely been able to keep Harry’s bony wrist from slipping out of his hold. He ushered the boy into a chair at the table.

“I’m really not hungry,” Harry said.

_ You should be, _ his mind retorted. Severus composed himself as he sat down across from him, “just try”

Severus watched as something seemed to snap in Harry’s eyes. He snatched up a bread roll and took a bite out of it before nearly throwing it down to his plate.

The professor merely raised an eyebrow at the display before serving himself some food.  _ I don’t know what he thought that would accomplish. _

-*-*-*-

Harry’s heart thumped heavily as his guardian sat him down in a chair at the dining table. Even at the smell of food, his stomach twisted.

“I’m really not hungry,” Harry said. His mind was at war, eat or don’t eat.  _ I’m gonna feel sick either way, if I don’t eat I won't throw up, though. I don’t want to throw up and it’s not like I deserve the food anyway. _

Severus sat down across from him, “just try.”

The boy tensed.  _ I am trying. I have been trying so fucking hard. I can’t do this and you aren’t helping.  _ Harry grabbed the first thing he saw and took a bite before throwing it onto his plate. He determinedly stared at the wall as he chewed.

His stomach rumbled, but Harry was surprised at the not immediate rejection and slowly took another bite of the bread roll.

Severus, who had been quiet as Harry took a few more small bites, spoke up, “How is your potions essay coming along? I know you were struggling with the subject matter.”

Harry looked up at him, surprised, before swallowing the piece he had just bitten off. “It’s fine, I was just struggling with one part but you explained it in class yesterday so I get it now.”   
“That’s good, are you still having trouble with History of Magic?”

The conversation went on like this for a while and Harry was thankful the man tactfully avoided the subject of his eating habits.

He was surprised when, even after finishing the bread roll, he still felt as if he could eat more. Harry did not miss the small smile his guardian gave when he reached to grab the small bowl of soup. A guilty feeling coiled inside him.

_ I don’t deserve this. It’s too much. _ Once again he glanced towards the door, before slowly bringing a spoonful to his mouth.

A few bites into his soup and his stomach suddenly turned. Harry swallowed the bile rising in his throat. He quickly stood up from the table, interrupting Severus mid-sentence.

“May I please be excused?” Harry asked.

His guardian looked him over before nodding, unlocking the door with a simple spell, and calling a house elf. Harry didn’t waste a moment to briskly walk out into the hallway and to the bathroom, ignoring the sharp eyes on his back. He didn’t bother locking the door, he just went straight to the toilet and threw up what little he had eaten.

_ This is what happens when faggots like you try and have things they don’t deserve. _ Harry flinched harshly at the name, recalling all the times his Uncle had called him that, before another wave of sickness overtook him.  _ This is what you deserve. _

_ Wasting so much food, pathetic. Worrying people who you care about. Disgusting freak. _ Harry leaned his cheek against the toilet seat, nausea rolling in his stomach.  _ It’s not enough. _ He shoved two of his fingers down his throat until he was vomiting again.  _ It will never be enough. Not while you're still alive. _ Hot tears rolled down his cheeks as he lifted his hand to wipe his mouth.

There was a hand on his back, rubbing small circles. His hand was grabbed mid-air and instead a warm washcloth wiped his mouth, he looked up at his guardian through teary eyes. He could see the man’s mouth moving but no sound was reaching him.

Everything went dark. Only slivers of reality reaching him. Coming out of the bathroom, but not walking out. Being levitated? No, carried. A different hoodie, still soft but different, being pulled onto him. Being coaxed to drink something, some type of potion. Laying down under his covers. Cool fingers brushing back his hair. Dark.

-*-*-*-

Theo let himself be tugged into their corner of the dungeons. It was a small room with a very small doorway tucked away in the stone. There wasn’t much inside. An old couch, an even older green rug, and a fireplace that they would occasionally light if it got cold enough.

Draco dropped his wrist and paced a few steps before turning on him, “what the hell was that? What was that?”

“Honey,” Theo stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder, only to be shrugged off.

“No, Theo,” the other boy turned his back. “Why? Why did he do that?”

Theodore quietly came around to face Draco and gently uncrossed his arms. He lifted his chin with one finger only to see tears building in his eyes. Theo leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s nose. He quickly pulled him into a hug to support the boy as he started sobbing.

“I know, darlin’. I know, let’s go sit down.”

He guided his boyfriend to the couch and had him lean on his shoulder. Theo softly stroked his blond hair and occasionally pressed kisses to the top of his head.

“This is all my fault,” Draco quietly whispered.

“No,” Theo said.

Draco glared up at him, “yes.”

“Why would it be your fault?” Theo asked.

The other boy visibly swallowed, “I bullied him. I was so cruel during our first years.”

Theodore hummed, stroking a hand up his boyfriend’s back. “I’m proud of you.”

Draco looked up at him incredulously and Theo pressed another kiss to his forehead, smiling.

“A year ago you would have never admitted to that,” Theo said.

Theo sighed as his boyfriend stubbornly avoided meeting his eyes, “regardless of whose fault it was, that doesn’t change what he is doing.”

“What are we going to do?” Draco whispered.

“I think we should tell Professor Snape or Professor McGonagall and then continue with our plan to ask him out soon. He will need the support”

“You don’t think we should go straight to Madame Pomfrey?” Draco asked.

Theo shook his head, “I think we need to get a Professor involved, they will probably inform Madame Pomfrey anyway.”

“Okay. Let’s go to Severus, he has a lot of experience with this kind of stuff,” Draco said. He muttered under his breath, “McGonagall is too close to Dumbledore anyway.”

When the boy quickly stood up in a very composed manner, Theo gripped his wrist and tugged him onto his lap, “it is nearly 9:00. Since we don’t have potions class for three days, and I don’t fancy disturbing your godfather when he is in his quarters, we can just wait until tomorrow night when he comes to visit the dorms. Sounds good?”

“Sounds fine,” Draco said.

Theo smiled, “Good. Ready to study then?”

Draco groaned.

-*-*-*-

Harry woke early. He always woke early, but it was usually earlier than this.  _ No nightmares _ . His mind brought forth the memories of last night and the taste of a dreamless sleep potion on his tongue.

The boy stiffened,  _ did Severus know that I forced myself to do that?  _ Harry looked around his room.  _ Have to go to Madame Pomfrey today. What am I going to do? How do I hide the glamours?  _ The glamours he had just put over his arms and face.  _ Might have to move that suicide to right now, _ his mind snarked. Harry pushed away the thought and shivered.

_ I’ll just try to leave first.  _ With that, Harry nodded to himself and slid out of bed. He quietly walked down the hallway, his time at the Dursleys had helped his sneaking skills. He peeked into the joined kitchen and dining room, letting out a sigh of relief, before walking over to the door.

He went to turn the knob, but it wouldn’t turn.  _ It’s not locked? _ He pulled harder before a voice from the living room called out, “Harry, come here.”

He hissed through his teeth and muttered curses under his breath as he walked towards the kitchen. No, he hadn’t expected it to be easy, but he at least wanted to be able to make it out the door.

Upon entering he saw Severus sitting at the table reading a newspaper with a neutral expression on his face. Two cups of tea and a bowl of fresh fruit sat on the table in front of him.

“How did you sleep?” His guardian asked.

Harry muttered out, “fine.”

Severus clicked his tongue at his incomplete sentence but said nothing else as Harry sat down at the table. He pulled his mug of tea towards him, sipping it slowly.

The newspaper crinkled loudly in the silence as Severus folded it away. Harry carefully avoided his guardian’s gaze and sipped at his tea, not at all pleased at being here.

Severus sighed, “Harry. Look at me please”

The boy reluctantly looked up at him over the rim of his mug, taking in the worried expression, then dropping his gaze before the man could get a word in. He tensed as the chair scraped against the stone floor.

Out of his peripheral vision, Harry saw Severus summon a potion from his storage, before crouching beside Harry’s chair. There was a gentle thunk as the potion was set down in front of him. He looked at it in silent contemplation and Snape sighed again.

“It’s a stomach calming draught. Take it and eat some fruit before we go see Madame Pomfrey.”

_ Already ate too much last night. Don’t deserve it. Too good for me.  _ Harry shook his head quickly and wrapped his arms around himself.

“No?”

Harry’s mind was screaming. He curled further in on himself as a few tears dripped from his eyes.

“Harry?”

The boy shook his head violently, his body trembling with the effort of holding back his sobs and screams.  _ Can’t breathe.  _ He tried to suck in air, but there was a tight grip around his lungs.  _ Heavy. _

He flinched harshly as a hand landed on his shoulder, beginning to rock slowly. He heard murmurs above him but was unable to make out the words. He sobbed out loud and his body shook as he was cradled in a hug.

“I need you to take a deep breath. Everything is going to be fine,” a man said. A hand stroked down his back.

Harry was able to take a few shaky breaths before becoming aware of everything around him. The first thing he noticed was that his mind was still being nearly unbearably loud, the only thing that was stopping him from being sent into another anxiety attack was the steady pressure of the arms holding him.

He tried to speak to the man holding him but soon discovered that he was unable to do that while still focusing on his breathing. Instead, he collapsed his head onto Severus’ shoulder and listened idly to the comforting whispers as he drifted.

-*-*-*-

The next time Harry came to, he was laying down. This wasn’t his Gryffindor bed, nor the plush bed in the room in Severus’ quarters. He slowly opened his eyes, cringing as he looked directly at a light before averting his gaze. A few paces away he caught sight of his guardian and Madame Pomfrey having a conversation.

Madame Pomfrey was the one to spot his open eyes and she made her way over with a small smile, followed by a significantly less happy Snape.  _ I’m in trouble. He’s going to be so mad. _

“Hello, Harry. I’m happy you decided to come in,” Madame Pomfrey said. “How are you feeling?”   
Harry gave a poorly concealed eye roll.  _ I hardly decided. I don’t need to be here. _ He received a flick on the forehead from Severus as he sat down beside his bed.

“I feel fine,” he said.

“Severus has told me you have been having trouble eating. Would you like to talk about that some?” she asked.

_ No. _ “Not really, it hasn’t been that bad.”

Madame Pomfrey shared a glance with his guardian, who gave her a small nod. Harry fidgeted with his hands.

“Okay,” Madame Pomfrey said. “Let’s get started with an exam.”

As they went through the usual exam stuff Harry only grew more anxious. He was relieved when she didn’t need his arm to take his blood pressure and instead only cast a spell. His cuts itched under their sleeve and he was immensely glad that he hadn’t forgotten his glamours.

“Everything looks good so far. Please hold still so that I may cast a diagnostic charm.”

Harry stiffened and he knew Snape caught it before he forced himself to relax again. He had heard about diagnostic charms but didn’t know exactly how they worked. He found himself wishing that he had taken Hermione up on her offer to learn more about it as the threat of his cuts being discovered came up.

“Is that really necessary?” Harry asked.

Madame Pomfrey said, “yes. This will feel slightly cold.”

Before Harry could protest further Madame Pomfrey was casting the spell and it felt as though water had been poured down his back, prickling cold following. He shivered.

The healer frowned at the results before flicking her wand to make a pencil write her notes on his file. She came closer to the bed.

“Harry,” the boy flinched as she began speaking.  _ She knows. _ “Have you hit your head or fallen in the past week?”

With two adults looking at him Harry felt his cheeks warm, thinking of his fall down the stairs yesterday.  _ Is she not going to ask about the cuts? Maybe she thinks they are unimportant. No. She probably just doesn’t care. _

Harry nodded his head as he answered, “yes, ma'am. I tripped up the stairs yesterday and fell.”

He risked a glance at Severus to see him sending a glare.  _ He’s mad. Oops. _

Madame Pomfrey continued, “we know you have been feeling nauseous and tired. Have you been having headaches?”

Harry nodded.  _ I always have a headache. _

“Sensitive to bright lights, feeling confused and disorientated?”

Grimacing, the boy nodded once again. Madame Pomfrey graciously lowered the light level with her wand before turning to Severus.

“Harry has a concussion,” she informed him.

The woman turned back to him, “do you have any pain from the fall?”

“My back,” Harry said dryly.

Madame Pomfrey just nodded and walked away to a storage room. His guardian shot him a concerned look before brushing his hand through his hair and following the healer.

Harry sighed as he sunk further into the sheets, closing his eyes. He took solace as the world faded out around him and let the dark take him.

-*-*-*-

Severus talked quietly with Madame Pomfrey while Harry rested in the hospital bed. After his anxiety attack, the man had decided they couldn’t afford to miss their appointment and took the floo after confirming with Poppy that no one else was in the hospital wing.

“How long did you say he hasn’t been eating right, Severus?” Poppy asked, clipboard in hand.

“Over a week. He’s always been skinny, no doubt due to his relatives, but he usually eats a proper amount,” Severus said thoughtfully.

“I did have a talk with him, and while he didn’t start eating as much as I would have liked, he was improving,” the man continued. 

Madame Pomfrey asked, “then he hardly ate anything at all for breakfast and skipped lunch yesterday?”

Severus nodded in agreement. He looked over at Harry as he slept before returning his gaze to the women in front of him.

Poppy said, “I will do a basic exam and diagnostic charm when he wakes up.”

He watched the woman peak over his shoulder and smile lightly.

“Perfect timing,” she whispered to him before walking over to Harry.

Severus sat down beside Harry’s bed and listened to their conversation in quiet contemplation as they went through the steps of a basic examination.

He noted Harry’s reluctance to have a diagnostic charm cast on him but stayed silent. He glared at the boy when he said he had fallen down the stairs.  _ When will this boy learn to watch where he is going? Prideful Gryffindors. He didn’t think to tell anybody? _

He turned away from Harry to meet Poppy’s gaze as she began speaking to him, “Harry has a concussion.”

Severus sighed. He looked over his child before running his fingers through his hair and going to follow Poppy to the storage room. He heard Harry sigh softly behind him and the sheets rustle. When he glanced over his shoulder the boy’s breathing had evened out and his eyes were closed.

He walked into the storage room and watched the healer mutter to herself as she gathered a couple of potions. She spun around to face him.

“This child has been in here too many times,” she informed him.

The man just nodded.

Poppy sighed, “he will need to be observed for at least forty-eight hours. I would like for him to stay in the infirmary overnight, you may take him back to your quarters or leave him here for the remainder of the time.”

“And Severus,” she continued quietly. Then sighed, “He needs to see a mind healer.”

“I have asked if he wanted to go to one before, he refused,” Severus replied.

Poppy shook her head quietly, “I could not detect any physical conditions that would point to him having issues with eating proper amounts. The diagnostic charm told me he is fairly malnourished.”

Severus was quiet for a minute. “So you think it’s a mental block?”

“Yes,” the woman nodded. “It is especially worrying considering he threw up after a meal.”

Severus swallowed heavily, “you think he forced himself?”

“I think it’s a possibility, yes.” Poppy said.

Guilt coiled in the man’s stomach.  _ He might have been starving himself all along and I didn’t notice till now. _

Poppy looked at him and softly said, “don’t feel too guilty Sev, it’s the nature of these types of disorders. To hide their actions.”

Severus nodded, but the guilt stayed.

“Besides,” she said, “we don’t even know that’s what it is yet.”

“Given his history with food, I wouldn’t be surprised.” Severus sighed, “do you have any recommendations for mind healers?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Sorry for the longer wait, I was having some technical difficulties with my laptop.  
> Also, I know. Theo has total Daddy energy, but if you think Draco is a sub wait until Harry joins the relationship. (There will be no smut in this fic but it may be implied at times)


	4. Chapter 4

Harry woke one again in the hospital wing to thankfully dimmed lights. He looked around to see no one else there.  _ I doubt it’s that easy. _ On his bedside lay a book and Harry gently picked it up. He snorted at the title “Potions for Dummies”.  _ Subtle. _

His headache spiked angrily as he flipped through the book and he eventually had to put it back down. The book was more advanced than the title had suggested, needing at least fourth level skills to understand, then again he had never been particularly great at potions.

He curled up under the scratchy covers, pressing down a whine as his head pounded. The boy loathed the idea of bothering Madame Pomfrey for a potion to relieve the pain even as tears built in his eyes.

Luckily, it wasn’t more than ten minutes before there was movement behind him. The ache had finally dulled to his normal level of aching due to his stillness in the fetal position, but he risked glancing over his shoulder to see Madame Pomfrey coming over.

“Hello, Harry,” the healer said as she sat down a few potions onto a side table.

He didn’t bother responding and instead turned over to face the side she had come to. She didn’t seem to mind his silence as she pointed to a grey tinted pink sludge of a potion that Harry knew would be horrible.

“This one will help with your concussion, you are to take one spoonful in the morning and one spoonful at night until the bottle is empty. And this,” she pointed to a bright blue potion, “will help manage your symptoms. Only half a spoonful in the mornings, it is much stronger.”

Harry nodded, even as it sent stabs through his skull.

“Are you having any pain?” Madame Pomfrey asked.

_ No. _ “Just a small headache, I’m sure it will go away without any potions,” Harry said.  _ You are already wasting enough as it is. _

The healer pursed her lip as she poured a dose of the potions, “I can give you something for that.”

“It really isn’t bad, it is already going away,” Harry said.

She looked like she wanted to insist, but instead nodded, “alright, but tell me if it gets any worse.”

As if taking that as a challenge his head flared again, but Harry was able to keep his expression under control. He quietly drank the spoons full of the potions.

The sludge wasn’t so bad even if the texture was off, it tasted like paper with an aftertaste of coffee. The blue potion was worse. It was thinner than water, sliding down his throat with him barely having to swallow, leaving a taste of stale bread and resting on his tongue. He gratefully took the glass of water Madame Pomfrey handed him.

“Would you like to eat something? Breakfast in the great hall is just ending, I can have the house elves send up anything you want,” the healer said.

Harry didn’t miss the suspicious look she tried to mask when he shrugged. He was careful not to say anything that would lead her to try and give him more potions.

“I’m not really hungry right now, maybe later,” Harry said. He changed the subject quickly.

“How long will I need to stay in the infirmary?” He inquired politely. As much trouble as he was causing, he wanted to be cautious to stay on the healer’s good side.

“Overnight for monitoring,” she said while gathering the spoons. “Then I believe Severus has plans for you to stay in his quarters for the remainder of your recovery.”

Harry didn’t bother to hide his wince as the healer’s back was turned.  _ Why? This is going to make things so much more difficult. _

Madame Pomfrey returned to his bedside, “is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Potter? Would you like the curtain drawn?”

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you,” Harry said.

She nodded and gave him a small smile, “call if you need anything, I’ll be in my office.”

Harry smiled in return as she closed the curtain, letting his body fall when she was gone. The mattress did not budge even as his body crashed upon it.  _ Staying with Severus for the rest of my recovery? That could be weeks. _

He turned over to glare at his ceiling.  _ How am I going to do this? _ He sighed as his eyes closed and the lights stopped trying to penetrate his skull.

-*-*-*-

Ron glanced around the common room nervously. He startled when a heavy thud sounded right beside his ear.

“Blimey, Hermione. I don’t think we would be able to get through these in a month, much less the weekend.”

She glared at him from the seat she had taken across from him. They had settled in the common room after breakfast.

“Okay, maybe you could. But I can’t!” Ron said indignantly.

Hermione rolled her eyes, “Ron, this isn’t about how much we can read in a weekend.”

Ron’s face turned grim, “are you sure we did the right thing telling Snape?”

Hermione pulled a thin book off the top of the stack and tossed it to him before grabbing a much thicker book. Her face matched his expression.

“He is Harry’s guardian,” she said hesitantly. Sighing, she ran her fingers across the book in her lap. “He needs help, Ron. It’s more than him just not eating enough. Something’s wrong.”

Ron nodded as he looked down at the book she had given him. The cover was a deep plum color and in elegant silver lettering it read “Invisible Illnesses, coping with dark thoughts.”

“And I don’t care if he never talks to us again,” she continued. Ron recognized the sadness in her voice. “He’s our friend and we need to help him.”

With that, she opened her own book and they lapsed into silence. Occasionally Hermione would stop to jot down a note on a slip of conjured parchment and the occasional scratching of her quill would bring Ron back from his thoughts. The boy was horrified about what he was reading, could his friend possibly be going through these things? He was fairly sure the other boy wasn’t self-harming, he would have noticed, but the things the book said about the thoughts of people with depression had gave him shivers.

The common room was empty aside from them and Alicia Spinnet, who was quietly writing what looked to be an essay in the corner nearest to them. Most people were out enjoying their Saturday walking the grounds. Ron wasn’t too bothered about it as they had agreed to eat lunch outside later today.

Eventually, Seamus walked in, dragging Dean behind him. They settled on a sofa near them and Seamus waved at Ron. Hermione, too engrossed in her book, scratched another note on her slip of parchment without acknowledging their appearance. Ron doubted she had even noticed their arrival. He was proven right when she glanced up to write another note and did a double-take at the boys tangled in a heap on the sofa as they drank tea.

A few minutes later Angelina climbed through the portrait hole and looked around before making a bee-line over to Alicia. Ron focused back on his book, this chapter was about the effects depression may have on the body and he had just reached the section about eating habits.

He felt a tickling behind his ear and swiped at it. A few seconds later it was back and Ron brushed at it, rolling his eyes. The third time, Ron indulged the twins by tilting his head back to see them towering over him.

He stared at them, unimpressed, before he could open his mouth to say anything a hand covered his eyes. He squawked as what felt like dust covered his face. The hand was removed.

Ron looked down to see himself covered in a gray fuzz. He gently picked a piece off from where it had landed on his book.

Glaring at the twins as they came to sit cross-legged on the table in front of his chair he asked, “what is this?”

“I don’t know. Do you know?” Fred said as he looked towards George.

George shrugged, “nope.”

They both had shit-eating grins on their faces as Ron started picking bits of it off his skin. He scowled at the substance, slowly taking off most of it and putting it into a pile beside him.

Fred plucked the book out of his hands, sitting up from his place hanging upside down on the table. He screwed his face up at the words and George grabbed it from his hands. They both looked at Ron with a confused expression.

“Why do you have a book about depression?” Fred asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Harry,” Hermione said simply.

They both looked behind them, unimpressed. “Really?”

Hermione just looked up and glared at them, raising an eyebrow of her own.

The twins glanced at each other, their expressions neutral. Ron was sure they were communicating telepathically.

Angelina tugged on George’s ear from where she had come up behind him, “don’t be prats. Something has been up with him up, more than usual that is.” 

George glared at her as he rubbed his ear, “I mean, he hasn’t been acting exactly right lately but I doubt he’s depressed.”

“You never know,” Angelina said conversationally, leaning against the arm of the sofa Seamus and Dean had settled on. “My uncle had it and my family never knew until his suicide attempt.”

At the startled looks around her, she quickly said, “don’t worry, he’s all good now. It’s not always that drastic, but the symptoms are usually pretty invisible.”

“It was the same with my cousin,” Dean piped up. “She wasn’t really good at hiding it around her immediate family and they got her a mind healer, but around everyone else, she acted normal. Happy even.”

Alicia sat by her girlfriend’s feet, the other girl soon joining and wrapping her arms around her. The twins' expressions had quickly sobered up.

“You don’t think Harry could be thinking about doing something like that?” Fred asked nervously.

Hermione bit her lip and Angelina tensed her hold around her girlfriend. Ron carefully averted his gaze from the silence of his peers. The thought was there anyway- they didn’t know.

“No matter if he is or isn’t. We need to be there for him,” Angelina said quietly.

Nobody else said anything, but Angelina grabbed a book from the pile and began flipping through. Fred, George, and Seamus doing the same. The latter shared the book with his boyfriend.

And as Ron tucked back into his book, picking off a few stray pieces of fuzz, a single thought graced his head.  _ He is going to be okay. We are all gonna’ be okay. _

-*-*-*-

_ I want to cut. _ Harry had been ignoring the itch for hours since Madame Pomfrey had stepped into her office, drifting in and out of sleep through the duration of the time. His waking moments were spent craving the slice of a cool blade and pooling blood drops on his skin.

He couldn’t help but feel a little pity for himself, but even more so he felt disgusted by his lack of control. If he had a blade in his hand right now he would cut, regardless that Madame Pomfrey was just a little ways away from his bed and probably had some sort of monitoring charm on him.

_ Knew I should have done it this morning.  _ He sighed as he settled back down under the covers after reading a few more paragraphs of the book. The symptom managing potion had helped with his headache but the familiar ache was a little more pronounced than usual.

He drifted back into his resting state with a yawn. He stretched his legs out under the covers before relaxing back into the scratchy sheets.

A creak sounded from somewhere in the infirmary outside his curtain. It took him a minute to realize it had not come from the direction of Madame Pomfrey’s office. His eyes flew open. He sat straight up and his hand twitched towards his wand on the bedside table.

“Madame Pomfrey?” A voice called. Harry couldn’t quite place the name.

He listened intently as the healer bustled out from her office, “ah, Mr. Page. What can I do for you?”

_ Grant, Ravenclaw’s seeker. _

“I was hit by a bludger yesterday and it’s bruising pretty bad,” the boy said.

“Sit down,” she sighed.

Harry, and he supposed Grant as well, listened as Madame Pomfrey muttered about quidditch being dangerous while she puttered around the infirmary. He fidgeted with the top sheet.

“Take these,” she said. “One spoonful daily, apply this directly morning and night.”

“Thank you, Madame,” Grant said.

The healer sighed again, “you are welcome. Now, run along and be careful.”

After their conversation, Harry waited a minute in silence. He forced his body to relax when the curtain started to draw back and he was met with a smiling Madame Pomfrey.

“Hello, Harry.”

“Hi,” he murmured. He toyed with the hem of his hoodie.

He peeked up through his eyelashes to see her pursing her lips.

“It’s time for lunch. What should I send the house elves to get for you?” she asked.

“Vegetable soup please,” he responded.

Her face flushed with surprise before she could school it into something more neutral.  _ Well if I refused again you would have lectured me. _

“Of course, give me a moment.”

She drew the curtain back around the bed as she walked off.  _ Can’t have the chosen one appearing weak to others I suppose. _ A few minutes later a tray of food appeared on his bedside table. He pulled it into his lap and listed off the contents.  _ Vegetable soup- potatoes, carrots, celery, green beans, and tomatoes. A roll of bread and some butter. Some type of cookie. A stomach calming draught. _

He drank most of the broth of the soup first, after the potion, then picked through the remaining vegetables slowly while carefully avoiding any potatoes. He tore up some bits of bread and put them in the bowl before throwing the remaining vegetables on top. Cutting the butter in half, he put that in the bowl as well. Harry left the cookie, he assumed it was peanut butter and if anybody asked then he hated peanut butter.

A strange mix of pride and guilt raced through him. He was proud it looked like he had eaten a fair amount when he had only really eaten a few vegetables and drank the broth. Then there was the issue that he had wasted food.  _ It was necessary. This meal wasted will be made up for by the week of missed meals I will be able to hide. _

With that, a tired smile slipped onto his face and he placed the tray back onto his bedside table. He picked up the book and began reading again.

-*-*-*-

Severus purposefully made his way through the hallway, relishing how students jumped out of his way. He inwardly sneered as he said the ridiculous password to the headmaster’s office.

He knocked on the door and was met with a soft “enter”. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk writing something on a length of parchment.

The old wizard looked at Severus with his trademark twinkle in his eye, “Severus, my boy. What can I do for you?”

“Harry will be staying in my quarters for a week or two while he recovers from a concussion,” Severus said. “I would like to discuss the matter of his schoolwork.”

Dumbledore’s eyes crinkled and his smile dropped, “Harry has a concussion? Whatever from?”

“Falling down the stairs,” the other man said bluntly knowing very well that Madame Pomfrey had to inform the headmaster of any students staying overnight at the infirmary and had already done so.

“That is unfortunate,” Dumbledore said. Severus almost believed the remorse in his voice as he continued, “but Harry will not be able to stay in your quarters for such an extended length of time.”

Raising an eyebrow, Severus said, “he is my ward.”

“While that is true, I cannot have Harry missing from his dormitory. If any news media learned of this the reputation of the school could be in danger,” the headmaster waved his hand to vanish the parchment, a cup of tea reappearing in its place.

_ Your reputation, if the media learned he had been placed with an abusive family. _

Instead, he simply said, “Poppy has recommended he be under observation for at least a week. It would be more suspicious were he to be in the infirmary for his recovery period.”

Albus sighed after taking a sip of his tea, setting it down with a heavy thunk on his desk, “Harry is a resilient young man, surely he will be fine after a night or two of observation.”

Severus resisted the urge to start yelling at the man. He did, however, set his jaw and glare at the headmaster. After everything this man had put his ward through, specifically last year, he would not let him get away with ruining Harry’s recovery.

“No, Albus. Harry will be staying with me while he recovers,” Severus said. “I will speak to Minerva about the schoolwork if you refuse to discuss the matter.”

There was the smallest glint of anger in Dumbledore’s expression before he masked it and Snape turned to march out the door. He strode off to find the head of Gryffindor’s house, keeping his occlumency shields firmly in place lest his rage overtakes him.

-*-*-*-

He hadn’t been asleep when Madame Pomfrey came to take his tray, but she thought he was. Harry had been expecting a house elf to come to get it but guessed that she probably wanted to see how much he had eaten. The healer had muttered about him being too skinny, and Harry silently disagreed, but overall she seemed pleased at the amount he had eaten. His stomach was not looking forward to dinner.

Falling into a fitful sleep, he woke once to Madame Pomfrey checking on him and a second time to another student asking her for cold medication. It seemed he had a late lunch, as the sky dimmed quickly and soon enough Madame Pomfrey was back.

“It’s nearly dinner, any requests?” She asked politely as she frowned at the water glass he had not taken a sip out of through the entire day.

He grabbed it and took a drink before answering, “can I have more soup? I find it to be most agreeable with my stomach.”

“Alright,” she said as she pursed her lips. “But this one will have meat in it. I am afraid you aren’t getting enough protein.”

Harry inwardly flinched but nodded to Madame Pomfrey before she drew the curtain once again. Meat was one of the main things he was not allowed at the Dursleys unless it was scraps or bits that Aunt Petunia deemed too gross to eat. Those of which he could cook when no one was home if they managed to last that long without getting thrown in the garbage or spoiling.

The next time the curtain opened it was to Severus, carrying a tray. He raised an eyebrow at the boy’s staring off into space and Harry looked away sheepishly.

His guardian slid the tray into his lap, “eat.”

Harry once again took stock of the food in front of him, trying to hide the grimace on his face. It looked to be the same soup as before, except a few pieces of chicken were floating around the top. A second bread roll, this time paired with herb butter, and a chocolate chip cookie accompanied his meal. Another vial of the potion was set on his desk.

“I will return to speak with you in a few moments, finish your dinner,” Snape said before turning to walk off, his robes billowing.

Harry rolled his eyes.  _ There is no way I will be able to finish this. But he said to. _ Harry worried for a few moments too long before realizing it would be best if he got this done before the man came back.

Once again he slurped the broth of the soup, wincing at the taste of meat.  _ Don’t deserve this. Such a waste. I’m a waste. _ This time he drank all the broth and ate the vegetables quicker than before, still chewing thoroughly.

He drowned the contents of the vial as he stared down at the meat and potatoes sitting in the bottom of his bowl. Thinking quickly, he grabbed his wand and peaked out of the curtain around his bed, levitating the bread roll to hide under a bed away from his.

He put the herb butter into the bowl once again and stirred it around to melt it, but stared in dismay at the remaining contents of the soup. Hesitantly bringing a piece of chicken towards his lips found him not even able to force himself to eat it and he sighed in discontent.

_ Why is this so hard? It's just meat. _ He dug his nails into his wrist, feeling the ripples of his glamours.  _ It is another thing you don’t deserve. _ Sighing, he looked out his curtain again, no other person in sight. He silently unlocked the window nearest to him with a charm, but as he was sure Madame Pomfrey had a monitoring chair to alert her when he got out of bed he hesitated.

Sitting the tray on the bedside, he gathered a few pieces of the chicken in his hand. He quickly rushed out of the bed, opened the window, and threw the meat out before hastily wiping his hand on his pants. He breathed in some of the fresh air.

“Harry?”

He turned around to see Madame Pomfrey with her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised, Severus scowling behind her. Trying to school his expression into something at least semi-guilty, he said, “just getting some fresh air. I finished eating.”

He gestured towards his desk awkwardly before closing the window and sat back on his bed before Madame Pomfrey could come over to make him.

“Right, well,” the healer levitated the tray over before giving a meaningful glance towards Severus. “I’ll leave both of you to talk.”

Leaving the curtain still partially open, his guardian sat down. “How was your meal?”

“Fine,” Harry said stiffly, not making eye contact.  _ What does he want? _

Severus nodded, looking just as uncomfortable as Harry felt. There was a pause between them and Harry fiddled with the edge of his pillowcase while he waited for him to say something.

Eventually, the man sighed. With a wave of his wand, another tray with biscuits and tea appeared on his bedside table. He handed Harry a cup of tea with a silent glance that told him to drink. The boy complied if only to get the man off his back.

“You will be going to see a mind-healer next week,” Severus said in a tone that left no tone for argument. Of course, Harry would argue anyway.

He stared at the man with hard eyes, letting a bit of the anger slip through. “No, I don’t need to.”

Sighing again, his guardian set down his tea with a quiet thump on the bedside table and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I know I have offered this before and at the time I was giving you a choice. Unfortunately, that is no longer acceptable.”  
Forcing himself not to sputter, Harry responded in what he hoped to not be too childish of a manner, “you can’t make me.”

He cringed as the words left his mouth and Snape raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything else the infirmary door burst open. 

“Stay here,” Severus said as he quickly stood and drew the curtain around him before marching off to help Madame Pomfrey.

Harry felt his lungs cave-in at the mere thought of going to a mind healer.  _ They can never know. Not until I’m dead. This isn’t fair. _

There were faint yells around him and he let out a quiet whimper as he hid his head in his pillow. _Why is everything always so loud?_ His head pounded as he tried in vain to control his breathing. He instead ended up huffing into his pillow in an unsteady rhythm with his hands clutched over his ears.  
_Murderer._ His mind whispered. A memory of Cedric laying dead in the grass. _Murderer. It’s all your fault. Make it right. Make it right. Make it right._

His mind repeated the phrases over and over again. He sat up, his eyes bloodshot as he peeked out of the curtain. Severus and Madame Pomfrey were crowded around a bed, a student sitting down on it with his face twisted in agony. Harry recognized him as one of Ravenclaw's chasers.

Quickly grabbing his wand he cast the strongest notice-me-not charm he could, as well as a silencing charm on his shoes and voice. He cast a weak disillusionment charm, still not completely proficient with it.

He was mindful not to knock anything over as he slid out of the bed, the soothing voice of Madame Pomfrey floated over from where the Ravenclaw was being treated. Guilty for what he was about to do, but finding it necessary, Harry quietly walked out of the curtains on the other side from where they were.

Hugging the wall, Harry managed to make it out of the room. He ran as soon as he made it out. He did not like the look the healer had given the spot he was meant to be, no doubt as the monitoring charm went off. More guilt.

“Okay,” he whispered to himself.

There were few people in the halls, none of which noticed him, and he vaguely remembered there being a quidditch game tonight. Which would explain the chaser.

He took a deep breath before speaking the password and opening the portrait hole, hoping no one was looking towards it. His eyebrows raised in shock when he saw the large number of Gryffindors in the room. Ron, Hermione, the twins, Alicia, Angelina, Seamus, and Dean were all settled around the fire. He quietly slipped into a dark corner and observed them for a moment, a small smile on his face. They all seemed to be reading something, even the twins.

Harry was happy for them, even as his mind whispered  _ they don’t need you _ . There was only acceptance, the other side whispering back _ I know. _ He hugged the wall again before walking up to his dorms.

He took the disillusionment charm off before entering, just in case someone was in there. It would be too hard to hide with such a weak charm in the small room. To little surprise, when he opened the dorm nobody was in there. But glancing towards the bathroom saw the door closed with a soft light shining out. He made a note to be quick in getting what he needed.

Going through his trunk he grabbed his invisibility cloak, parchment, a quill, a bottle of ink, and after a moment the Marauder’s map as well.

He shoved everything into a bag just as a voice called out behind him, “Harry?”

Turning quickly, he smiled at Neville. “Hey, Neville.”

The boy looked nervous, Harry inwardly cursed Ron and Hermione but couldn’t find himself to be genuinely mad at them. Not tonight.

“Hey. What are you up to?” The boy was stuttering over his words as he spoke and Harry caught sight of him flicking his eyes at his bag.

“Oh, nothing. Just thought I would go downstairs to study with the others,” Harry said. He smiled just a little bit more and Neville finally returned the gesture before going to sit on his bed.

“Alright, I might come join you guys in a little bit,” Neville said.

He watched the boy for a moment more, as he picked up a book that looked to be about Herbology. “Yeah, see you soon.”

_ Liar, liar. Tsk tsk, everyone thinks you are so great but you’re just a liar. _ Harry sighed and threw on his invisibility cloak as soon as the door had shut behind him. It no longer felt like a gift. Now a burden of all the people whose death and endangerment lay on his hands.

The stairs didn’t creak too much as he came down them, but Seamus did sneak a suspicious glance over and Harry held his breath until the boy looked away.

Before opening the portrait hole he watched his friends for a few last moments, his heart clenching. Seamus and Dean cuddling, occasionally stealing a kiss from the other. Alicia teasing her girlfriend from where she was embraced in her arms. Hermione and Ron sending each other little smiles when they thought the other wasn’t looking.

And the twins, being surprisingly quiet as they both stared down at a book. The event was so rare that Harry was almost enticed to go over and see what they were so interested in. Almost.

Sending one last smile towards the group, Harry quietly opened the portrait hole and walked out. He spotted some of the Slytherins walking back from their quidditch match, Draco dragging his clean boyfriend into a muddy hug. Much to the other boy’s dismay.

“You will pay for this,” Theo said.

Draco rolled his eyes as the other boys on the team snickered. Harry scurried off and successfully made it out of the castle without anyone spotting him. He looked up at the starry night sky and let out a breathe, effectively fogging up the bottom part of his glasses.

“Mom, Dad," Harry said solemnly. "I know you are probably so disappointed, but I’m coming home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is so hard, this is not how I expected this story to go lol. Hope you guys are enjoying regardless. Also a suicide attempt will be depicted next chapter, so please mentally prepare yourselves.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just pretend Harry also grabbed his broom last chapter cause I forgot :/
> 
> Major trigger warning for suicide attempt. Read at your own risk.

  
  


Draco carefully snuck up behind his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around the boy’s waist. Effectively covering his back in mud and eliciting a growl.

“You will pay for this,” Theo said.

Draco laughed and strained to kiss the boy’s cheek, chuckling at the way he had his book held out as far away from his body as possible. The team snickered behind them.

“Come on, you lot,” Montague called. “I don’t want to think of what would happen if Professor Snape were to find us.”

As if summoned by the thought of reprimanding students, even those he favored, Severus turned a corner ahead of them. Many of the team inwardly groaned as he came towards them.

“Twenty points from Slytherin for tracking mud through the halls,” The man said. He looked them over with a critical eye, “have any of you seen Harry Potter?”

The question shocked them all and Draco shot a glance at Theo to see his face carefully crafted to be impassive, but he could see the worry cutting through his eyes. There was a muttering of no’s and Snape waved a dismissive hand before starting to walk off. Theo met Draco’s gaze and nodded.

“Professor, can we speak with you for a moment?” Draco said.

His godfather glanced over his shoulder and stilled, there was a brief silence as the rest of the Slytherin team trudged out of the hallway.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Malfoy? I do hope you are not wasting my time,” Snape drawled.

“Right, uh, it’s about Harry,” Draco said.

Severus raised an eyebrow in a silent gesture to continue. Draco shot a pleading glance at Theo and the boy sighed.

“We saw self-harm cuts on Harry’s wrist as he was eating in the great hall,” Theo said. His boyfriend’s voice had caught slightly even as he tried for a neutral tone.

Draco watched the slight flash of emotion pass over his godfather’s face before it could be hidden.

“I see,” the man said. “And why do you believe they were self-inflicted?”

“They were too uniform,” Draco whispered.

“Right,” Severus said. He swallowed before continuing, “please come find me if you see him.”

The man turned on his heel and disappeared around the corner as fast as he had come in the first place. Draco let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in.

His boyfriend laced their fingers together, “it will be fine.” Theo was giving him a small sad smile and Draco felt his eyebrows furrow.

“Yeah,” Draco said noncommittally.

They did not speak another word as Theo dragged them both back to the common room and into the showers. 

  
  


-*-*-*-

The wind blew Harry’s hair into his face and he tipped his head back to sigh, looking at the beautiful colors of the rising sun. He wasn’t exactly sure what made him want to be on top of Gryffindor tower for this, but that was where he had ended up.  _ Maybe sentimentality. _

His hand held a steady grip on the tower’s spire, oddly peaceful now as he took in the last sight he intended to see.  _ I wonder how they will react when their “boy who lives”, lives no more. _

Harry idly admired the way his cuts and scars looked in the faint sunlight, glistening. He was still wearing the hoodie his guardian had put on him before bed last night. It was a dark green, Slytherin color green, but Severus had insisted he looked good. Harry smiled a bitter smile, and looking at the rolled-up sleeves beside his cuts he had to agree. Green and red do go well together.

He looked down at where his broom had fallen, the cushioning having saved it from shattering into splinters.

Throughout the long night, his hands had been shaking as he sobbed. It had increased the time it had taken to craft the perfect letters for Severus, Ron, and Hermione. Harry had left his invisibility cloak with Hermione, but the Marauder's map had gone to Ron.

Harry patted the thick blue envelope. It had surprised him how much he had to say, especially to Severus. His guardian’s letter was nearly two feet longer than the three foot letters he had written to both Ron and Hermione. He had considered writing a letter to the wizarding world in whole. But as he sat at this height now he was glad he hadn’t. They didn’t deserve that and he didn’t owe it to them.  _ One selfish act before I go. One last thing to show my true personality. _

He had checked the map throughout the night, crouched in his hiding spot a few feet deep in a corner of the forbidden forest. Harry had been sent into many sobbing fits as he watched his guardian pace the corridors, visit Hagrid’s hut, and check a variety of places he would never be found otherwise. Unless he was looking for Harry.

_ He won’t understand. I have to do this. He will eventually realize how much better off he is, how much better his life is without me in it. _ His mind showed him the various images of Severus looking into his eyes and wincing or startling. He wasn’t stupid, Harry knew he reminded the man of Lilly.  _ I will take that reminder away. _

Harry smiled sadly. He let go of the spire.

-*-*-*-

After dealing with the Ravenclaw kid Severus had turned back to find Harry gone. Poppy had sighed and said she had thought she felt her monitoring charm go off but was distracted by Mr. Page. So Severus scowled as he prowled the halls, heading to Gryffindor tower.  _ The amount of time he is going to be grounded and scrubbing cauldrons. _

He raised an eyebrow at the gathering of children in the common room of the tower before walking over to them. Fred spotted him first and nudged his twin. They gave him matching grins as he came up behind Ronald Weasley’s chair and laid a hand on the back of his chair.

“Students,” Severus greeted. He inwardly smirked as Ron jumped and Hermione jerked her head up with wide eyes. But his amusement was quickly quelled.

“Uh, hello Professor.” Alicia Spinnet said.

He inclined his head towards her, “have any of you seen Harry?”

He could feel Ron stiffen even more than he had after coming up behind him and Hermione’s eyes widened as she let out a gasp. The children had no doubt thought that their friend was with him. He grimaced,  _ he is not. _

“No, sir. I don’t think Harry has been in the common room for a while now,” Hermione said softly. “Is he alright?”

His eyebrows furrowed, but as he opened his mouth he heard footsteps coming down the stairs from the dorms behind him. Turning, he met the eyes of Neville Longbottom. The boy let out a squeak and Severus raised an eyebrow. Flushing, Neville slowly made his way forward.

“Hello professor,” the boy said meekly.

Severus sneered at him, “is Harry in the dorms?”

The boy’s head snapped up and looked around at the group in surprise, “he’s not down here?”

Severus narrowed his eyes.  _ Obviously not. _

Neville winced, “I mean, he told me he was going to come down here to study.”

“When?” Seamus said disbelievingly.

“Less than ten minutes ago,” Neville said, slight indignance in his tone.

Severus gritted his teeth before turning away to leave the common room without another word.  _ Of course, I would have just missed him _ . He hurried through the hallways as he thought of all the places he needed to check. He wasn’t in the dorms and his wards had been programmed to gently alert him when Harry entered his private quarters.

He turned a corner to see the Slytherin quidditch team practically dressed in mud. A sliver of amusement ran through him when he saw Draco’s boyfriend had gotten the same treatment.

Even from his favorite house, seeing the dismay in their expressions was satisfying. He really should have taken points for inelegance, but tracking mud through the halls was an actual offense.

“Have any of you seen Mr. Potter?” He asked sharply, looking over them as they shook their heads. He waved a dismissive hand and turned to move away only to be stopped by his godson calling out to him. He felt his eye twitch in annoyance as he turned back around. He loved the boy, but Severus was a little busy trying to find his ward at the moment.

He waited for the rest of his house, save for Theo, to file out of the hallway before speaking. “What can I do for you, Mr. Malfoy? I do hope you are not wasting my time.”

“Right, uh, it’s about Harry,” Draco said.

He raised an eyebrow as the boy stuttered.  _ Draco Malfoy does not stutter. _

“We saw self-harm cuts on Harry’s wrist as he was eating in the great hall,” Theo said in a slightly wavering voice.

All of Severus’s thoughts slammed to a halt.  _ Self-harm. Harry. And he’s missing. _ He stopped himself from drawing in a breath and slammed his occlumency shields into place, but even separated from his thoughts his heart pumped loudly and a sense of urgency ran through his veins.  _ Then again Harry gets hurt often. _

“I see,” the man said. “And why do you believe they were self-inflicted?”

He raised an eyebrow at Draco’s whisper. He knew his godson would never lie about things like this, even if he didn’t particularly like Harry, but the way he was acting confirmed more than Severus would be willing to admit.

After ending their conversation Severus stalked off. One particular thought struck through his shields.  _ I have to find him. _

-*-*-*-

Cold. Cold and hard and dark. He shifted, sickening crunches followed as his bones rubbed against one another. He stopped moving. Sounds. Voices? Shouting. The world got darker. His bones crunched as he was moved.  _ Please just let me die. _

-*-*-*-

Severus sighed into his hands from where he sat on an armchair in his study. He picked up his cup of coffee and swirled the liquid. He grimaced as he drank the last bits.

He had not found Harry and it was nearly 6:30 AM. While the other teachers had taken shifts through the night patrolling the halls and looking for his ward, Severus had not slept and was very pissed off. And worried.

_ Detention for the rest of the year. Chopping frog tongues for life. _ He rubbed his fingers on his temples before getting back up from his chair.  _ One more time. One more hour of patrolling the grounds. _

But after nearly an hour of patrolling the grounds with a keen eye, no sign of Harry was to be seen. He began walking back to his quarters once more, intent on finally resting before resuming his search for the boy.  _ Detention for the rest of his time at Hogwarts and grounded until he is thirty then. _

Severus glared down at the ground. He had pointedly not thought about what Draco and Theo had informed him of earlier. He couldn’t think about it. Not until he was sure the boy was safe.

He stiffened as a silver tabby cat darted out in front of him.  _ Minerva’s Patronus. _ It began relaying the message she had sent him.

“We have found Mr. Potter. He is in the hospital wing. Please arrive swiftly.”

Severus had sighed in relief, but then began inwardly panicking.  _ The hospital wing. _ He quickly strode through the halls of Hogwarts, too tired to maintain full occlumency shields.

He banged the door to the hospital wing open, wincing as his actions brought a stab to his head. Severus silently surveyed the scene. Two wizards were talking rapidly a few feet from a bed with closed curtains. A witch rushed across the room, pulled a few potions out of a briefcase, and then disappeared behind the curtain.

A pale Minerva was sitting in a chair with two Ravenclaws. Cho Chang, who was crying. And Grant Page, who had a hard expression on his face as he held the girl's hand and stared off into the distance.

Severus ignored them as he stalked up to Minerva who looked up at him shakily. She looked like she was about to be sick.

“What happened?” He asked sharply. Severus watched out of the corner of his eye as the two wizards disappeared behind the curtain. He wanted nothing more than to follow them.

“I-I was summoned by Mr. Grant here,” she gestured at the boy. She took a deep breath and Severus noticed the faint tears in her eyes. He fought the urge to shake her to get answers.

“Mr. Potter was… he jumped f-from Gryffindor tower. It was all I could do to cast a quick cushioning charm. But a fall from that height…,” Minerva trailed off.

Severus stopped breathing.

“Harry jumped?” He confirmed.

Minerva grew paler, and she nodded jerkily before moving as if to give up her chair to him. He gently pushed her back down and turned. Severus felt like he was going to be sick but slowly forced himself to step towards the curtains. He gripped the fabric tightly in one hand, forcing himself to get control of himself.

He pulled back the curtain and when the scent of blood grew stronger he cringed.  _ How did I not notice that before? _ He was shielded from the patient in the bed by a wizard and the witch. Poppy and the other wizard were on the other side. They were hunched over the bed and frowning as they worked. Poppy had a smear of blood across her forehead.

One of the wizards glanced over his shoulder at Severus and sneered, “you are not allowed in here.”

Severus narrowed his eyes and gave the man the hardest glare he could muster, which he knew was quite terrifying even if you had worked with angry clients for decades.

“He is my son,” he hissed. “And I will be staying here until one of you informs me of the extent of his injuries.”

Poppy whipped her head up at Severus’ voice. She quickly bustled around the bed and led him out with a hand on his elbow. He didn’t have the energy to resist the touch.

The healer took him to her office and pulled out a chair with a flick of her wand. It was the chair that children’s parents sat in when their child had received a major injury and Poppy was about to break the news. Severus had been a part of many of those meetings. He did not sit in the chair.

Poppy sighed as she sat down in her own chair. She leaned an elbow on the desk and rubbed at her temple, flicking her wand once more to summon a headache soothing tonic.

She looked up at him expectantly before flicking her eyes to the chair across from her. Severus shook his head. Sighing, Poppy slumped.

“I’m so sorry Severus,” she said.

The man’s eye twitched. It sounded like she was about to tell him Potter was dead.

“Just tell me how bad it is Poppy,” he said. He was a little shocked by how tired he sounded.

Poppy looked at him with wide eyes before clearing her throat and straightening up, “right. Well, he has shattered nearly every bone in his limbs. And, to put it bluntly, if Minerva had not used a cushioning charm, if he had landed on his head or spine, he would be dead.”

Severus nodded numbly. She looked at him sadly but knew better than anybody that he would rather have all the information right away as opposed to throughout his child’s recovery.

The healer continued, “He is in a coma, which his magic should heal quickly, but the main problem is the concussion. His brain has suffered so much trauma from two concussions one after other that it is unlikely he will be responsive for quite a while.”

Sighing, Severus pinched the bridge of his nose.  _ My ward. A suicide attempt. _

“Severus,” Poppy said in a softer voice. “I will have to inform Dumbledore of this, but I will try to wait as long as I can. The healers from St Mungo’s should be nearly finished.”

Poppy silently handed him a thick blue envelope that he just stared at.

“That was the only possession Mr. Potter had on his person,” she explained gently.  
Severus nodded and turned to go sit a silent vigil at his son’s bedside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Ha, thought you saw the last of me. I'm not dead...yet! For those of you who are interested: Harry jumping from Gryffindor tower is the idea that started the whole thing.  
> Also might be adding tags. Like medical inaccuracies, because you know...magic.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Neville has a brother that attempted suicide and is now recovering in St Mungo’s. He won’t be appearing in this fic but it is important to know.  
> I feel like now is a good time to mention that this fic is being written so that I may work out the kinks for another fic I want to write that will be set before this one and this one will be getting a rewrite after I start writing that one. This is basically my rough draft.

“I mean it, Severus,” Poppy said sternly. “Eat your lunch.”

Unimpressed, he waved her off. She left with a huff, but Severus knew that she would not hesitate to come back and attempt to force-feed him.

He gazed at the boy, his ward, in the hospital bed in front of him. Seven hours since Harry was found. Seven hours since Harry Potter had attempted to commit suicide.

Sighing, he reached for the cup of tea on the bedside table. Poppy had woken him a few minutes ago with a plate of food that Severus could not see as anything other than unappetizing.

The movement of his arm caused the papers in his lap to scatter across the floor and Severus quickly flicked his wand to neatly reorder them on the table. He traced a finger across the blue envelope, remembering his reading of his letter.

He had sat in the chair beside Harry’s bedside quietly. For an hour he had watched the boy sleep.

When he had finally been able to snap out of his vigil he had flicked his eyes down towards the thick blue envelope. The paper had barely even wrinkled where it had been clutched in his hand, likely protected from any damage.

He had carefully opened it. Inside rested three pieces of folded parchment that were each separately labeled in a careful script: Hermione, Ron, and Severus.

His occlumency shields were too weak for him to have read it. But he couldn’t quite find it in himself to care, if his ward had to go through the pain of writing them on top of everything else he was dealing with then Severus could read them without a block on his emotions. He had gently unfolded the parchment, nearly five feet long. Severus had read through most of it numbly. Not quite comprehending the sentences. But some lines would be etched into his mind for the rest of his life.

__ _ “I know you are so disappointed in me.” _

__ _ “Please just forget about me, I want you to be happy.” _

__ _ “I am aware this is selfish. I just can’t do this anymore.” _

__ _ “Everything feels so numb. I’m scared.” _

__ _ “I love you, I’m so sorry.” _

Severus had stared at that last line for a long time. It was the first time he had shed tears since Harry’s parents were murdered.

He quietly ate his lunch, still watching Harry. The staff meeting was scheduled for that night, with the insistence from Minerva that Severus needed time. Although he was grateful for the time so he could sleep and ensure his son’s safety, he was now aware of just how helpless he felt.

The blanket on Harry’s shoulder slipped down slightly and he reached forward to fix it.

“Severus?”

The man startled and whipped his head around to narrow his eyes at Poppy, who gave an apologetic smile. She closed the curtain behind her as she walked in.

“Sorry,” she said. “I just need to administer some potions and check on his magic reserves.”

Severus nodded but stiffened as he watched her work. She pulled the blanket back and folded it over the boy’s legs. He had seen his arms earlier, the first time Poppy had come to check on Harry. Hundreds of cuts and scars littered the boy’s skin, varying in levels of intensity. But looking at them again was startling, to say the least.

Poppy sighed as she got to work rebandaging the most recent ones. She had remarked to him earlier that it was clear a few of the older had been infected by the way they had healed. Severus knew she was almost as angry at herself as he was with himself. After all, how could they have not seen something like this coming? Especially with a student they had both monitored so closely.

Severus rubbed his temple with two fingers. Poppy absentmindedly handed him a headache soothing potion as she lifted Harry’s shirt to tend to the wounds there. He took it gratefully, drinking the vial in one gulp before standing up.

He swept his hand through Harry’s hair, revealing the jagged scar resting beneath the dark curls. Then he turned and walked out of the room. He had business to attend to.

-*-*-*-

Opening his eyes, Neville glanced around. He had fallen asleep in the common room. They all had. Ron and Hermione were both curled in their respective armchairs, Seamus and Dean had tangled together during the night on the sofa, Angelina and Alicia in a similar position. The only ones who seemed like they had been able to make it to the common rooms before passing out were Fred and George.

Neville slowly got up and stretched his arms out in front of him. He winced as his stiff joints popped, cursing the awkward position he had slept in. Carefully avoiding the books scattered across the carpet, he crept up to the boy’s dormitories.

Inside, Fred and George sat cross-legged on George’s bed, facing each other as they engaged in a quiet conversation. They looked up at him as he came in.

“Did Harry come back?” Fred asked.

Neville bit his lip and glanced towards Harry’s bunk, giving a small shake of his head.

“Ah, well I’m sure he’ll turn up sometime before lunch,” George said. 

Neville just nodded and went to grab some clothes from his bunk. He showered with water that was almost too hot, letting it work the knots out of his muscles.

When he came out of the bathroom Ron was also grabbing some clothes and packing his school bag. They shared a worried glance. Still no sign of Harry.

At breakfast, it was announced that all potions classes of the week had been canceled, which did not help to soothe any of the Gryffindor’s nerves. If Snape was not able to teach, then what had happened to Harry?

The day went by slowly, the 5th year Gryffindors muttering amongst themselves. Neville had a steady pressure of nerves in the pit of his stomach, not an uncommon thing for him but something that was usually more manageable.

“Neville, dear, are you quite alright?”

He started, turning around to look wide-eyed at Professor Sprout who was walking towards him. His cheeks reddened when he realized he had just been swaying in the hall, trying not to quell the anxiety-caused nausea.

“Yes, Professor.” He replied as she came to a stop in front of him, “just a bit nauseous is all, I’m sure it will pass in no time.”

The Witch waved a hand to dismiss his words, “If you are feeling nauseous then you should be in the infirmary and I don’t want to hear a word against it.”

Neville offered the woman a small smile, she really was too motherly to him, “Of course, Professor. I’ll head there now.”

She nodded, returning his smile. Neville saw his chance and walked past her, not stopping until he had turned to corners. He sighed as he pushed his back against a wall and closed his eyes.

The nausea rose again and he swallowed heavily, frowning. He wouldn’t be able to focus on his next class unless he got something to soothe his stomach. With a second, more resigned, sigh he pushed back of the wall. His stomach turned as he walked down the hallway before arriving at the door to the infirmary.

Neville pushed open the door and looked around. One of the beds had the curtains drawn, but other than that there seemed to be no-one in the room. 

He made his way over to the bed beside the curtained one and sat on the tough mattress, clenching his hands in the sheets as he attempted to ward off his nausea. He looked up at the small commotion from across the room.

Madame Pomfrey had just wheeled a cart of potion’s and bandages out of what Neville assumed was the storage room. Her brows creased when she saw him and she quickly wheeled the cart over to the end of the bed. Neville felt for the fellow student behind the curtain who would have all the medical supplies used on them.

“Mr. Longbottom, what may I do for you?” The healer asked as she stood between him and the curtained bed, hands on her hips.

Neville picked lightly at his nail beds, “Professor Sprout insisted I come, my stomach is a bit upset.”

She frowned as she took out her wand and the cold feeling of a diagnostic charm washed over him, a cold prickly feeling persisting down his spine.

“Hmmm, anxious?” the Witch asked as she summoned a clipboard and a quill began taking notes beside her.

“Yes, Madame.”

She nodded, with a flick of her wand the clipboard and quill disappeared. “Alright, I’ll be back in a moment. Just call if you need anything.”

Neville nodded and watched as she walked back through the doors of the storeroom. Kicking his legs, he found himself wishing she would be quick as his next class had probably just started. The anxious feeling grew, even as he reminded himself that she would give him a late slip. He wiped the sweat from his hands on his pants.

A groan from behind the curtained bed startled him out of his thoughts. He looked over towards it worriedly.

“Uh, Madame Pomfrey?” Neville called out.

Another groan had him calling slightly louder, only to once again be answered by no response.

He glanced back at the bed, then shifted his gaze back to the storeroom. Slowly, cautiously, he pressed his feet onto the floor and stood up unsteadily. He gripped the bedside table as he shuffled to stand in front of the curtain. Stealing one more look at the storeroom door he slowly began pulling back the curtain.

“Harry?” The word slipped loudly from his lips, followed by a gasp as he looked around.

When Madame Pomfrey didn’t come bursting out of the storeroom yelling at him, he took a step closer towards his friend.

“Why are you in here?” he asked urgently.

No response. Neville slowly reached forward and shook the boy’s shoulder gently. As he did so, his eyes slid down to Harry’s uncovered arm. He stared for a moment, not quite comprehending then not believing what he was seeing. But it was right there and Neville would know. Harry was self-harming and he had never noticed. He failed to see the warning signs in one of his closest friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys, recently had a bad relapse (around the time I was writing chapter four actually) and I felt it necessary to take a short break for my mental health. There should be more updates come Spring, Winter in general is a very triggering time for me.   
> Anyway, the next chapter should have more action and we will be checking up with Draco/Theo!


End file.
